Over the past week I have encountered 2 women who have shared with me their recent loss of a baby before it was born. My heart breaks for these ladies because I too, know the heartache and questions which come with such a loss.
In 2002 David and I were blessed with the birth of our first child, Sarah. During my pregnancy I was always concerned that something would go wrong. Everytime I went for a check up each midwife I saw at the practice used the same words "everything looks perfect". My pregnancy with Sarah was great. No complications, no issues at all. She even came the day before her due date!! After 21 hours of labor they decided a c-section was necessary for the health and well being of us both. Other than the c-section everything went according to "plan".
In the Fall of 2003 we found out we were going to have another baby. We were very excited and had no cause for concern because the first pregnancy was so good. Since it was my second pregnancy I did not have to go to the doctor as early once the pregnancy test was complete. Around my 16th week I went in for a normal check up. I took Sarah with me. David did not come due to his job and this was a "normal" check up. We would be scheduling the ultrasound at this appointment to find out the sex of the baby in the next few weeks.
As the midwife began trying to find the heartbeat I could read concern on her face. She promptly said she needed to do an ultrasound because she could not find a heartbeat. The ultrasound confirmed my fears...the baby had died. Just a few weeks prior I had heard a strong heartbeat and today, nothing. The ultrasound confirmed the baby had died about 2 weeks prior to my visit.
In 2002 David and I were blessed with the birth of our first child, Sarah. During my pregnancy I was always concerned that something would go wrong. Everytime I went for a check up each midwife I saw at the practice used the same words "everything looks perfect". My pregnancy with Sarah was great. No complications, no issues at all. She even came the day before her due date!! After 21 hours of labor they decided a c-section was necessary for the health and well being of us both. Other than the c-section everything went according to "plan".
In the Fall of 2003 we found out we were going to have another baby. We were very excited and had no cause for concern because the first pregnancy was so good. Since it was my second pregnancy I did not have to go to the doctor as early once the pregnancy test was complete. Around my 16th week I went in for a normal check up. I took Sarah with me. David did not come due to his job and this was a "normal" check up. We would be scheduling the ultrasound at this appointment to find out the sex of the baby in the next few weeks.
As the midwife began trying to find the heartbeat I could read concern on her face. She promptly said she needed to do an ultrasound because she could not find a heartbeat. The ultrasound confirmed my fears...the baby had died. Just a few weeks prior I had heard a strong heartbeat and today, nothing. The ultrasound confirmed the baby had died about 2 weeks prior to my visit.
I sat on the midwife's couch waiting for David to come to the office as I watched Sarah sit on the floor eating goldfish and marshmallows. I don't think I had ever felt so alone. I wondered why God would allow this to happen. The scripture "all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came into being" kept running through my head. Well if that was so, why in the world did he allow me to come to this appointment alone w/ my 1 1/2 yr old to find out my baby had died? And why did He allow my baby to die? Why now? Why me? Did I do something to cause this? Should I have done something different?
Five years and 2 additional children later I still do not have the answers to those questions and I have stopped asking. The Bible tells me that all things work for the good of those who love Him. This is not always a concept to easily accept or understand. I guess that is where faith comes in. Yes, the pain fades but has not yet gone away and I don't know that it will, I hope it doesn't. I never want to forget that I am a mother of 4, even if one of my children skipped forward to heaven and I will meet them on the other side. Sometimes I find myself begging for God to just show me a glipse of their face so I will recognize them. But I really don't think that will be a problem.
Tears are running down my cheeks as I type now. Partly due to saddness and grief for my loss and partly due to the promised hope of the future. I guess that is where faith comes in. Sorrow may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning.
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